上周，一个家长开车送我，路上不知怎的，说起前不久去看望家中生病的老父亲，陪他游玩，老父亲嘴上什么都没说，但是她离开后，父亲的身体很快就康复了，其实老人们不说，但是那种对孩子的思念真的只有自己做父母了才能知道。她虽没有什么文化，却有一种纯朴的感情，引得坐在副驾上的我，眼睛偷偷的红了。想到家中的父母，也想到自己的不孝，心中暗自责备。
      今天忽然开始想念以前的朋友们，想念家乡的人，于是抓了几个QQ和飞信里的朋友们海聊。和Lulu聊着聊着，忽然想不起来她姓什么了，气得Lulu直打我，赫赫。和颖聊的时候，她问我有没有虐待自己，我不禁愕然，问她为何这样问，她说因为你总是喜欢凑合啊，赫赫。忽然我发现自己其实一直都没有关注过自己，认识自己，对朋友嘴里的那个自己也是感到很意外。
      我的朋友们啊，我的亲人，我离开你们太久了， 现在好想你们。那些成长过程中的点点滴滴，那些不知不觉被遗忘的回忆，真是一座挖掘不尽的宝藏，每每回首，总会发现一些被遗失的珍珠在地上打转儿，虽是闪耀着泪光，却也夹杂着欢笑，那些缠裹着幸福的痛苦和那些缠裹着痛苦的幸福，总是让人驻足流连。我不知道习惯抽离的自己能否承受再次回归生活，深深地扎根在这个世界，第一次的降生在这个世界，跌跌撞撞，没有防备，惊恐的逃离，而此次却仿佛死后重生的人一般，带着受伤的记忆，也带着被医治的恩典，忽远忽近的看着这个世界，徘徊着、犹疑着，有时候隐隐的觉得那些原先伤痕累累之处，现在却仿佛有鲜花悄悄绽放，那些深深流血的伤口，被一双爱的手缝补，伤有多深，那爱的恩膏也有多深，有时候其实觉得自己不配，虽然大家都强调信心，仿佛心有多大胆，地有多大产一样，但我心里却知道神的恩典和爱不是用信心或是敬虔的行为换来的，因为永远不可能等价，我觉得更多的是神的怜悯吧，时常感觉自己是一路被神拖着拽着过来的。现在也是时常被他拖着，神真是怜悯人的神。我的神让我惊奇！求神继续带领我前方的路，给我力量，信心、智慧，教导我如何敬虔生活，爱你、认识你、赞美你、感谢你、荣耀你。

    主啊，好久没有到这里来向你倾诉了，总觉得可以靠着自己应付一切，可是发现自己真的很无知也很失败。学生的人数已经达到我的极限，而我也显示出过度劳累的迹象，觉得自己很多的不足，需要更多的装备；房子的事仍然没有结果；还有monkey，我觉得自己被卡在中间，不知道如何是好，仿佛你也向我隐藏了一样，呼求也没有应答，事实上是我的心乱糟糟的，都不知道怎么向你呼求了，觉得很沉重，害怕以前的场景再出现；前方的路，好迷蒙，你要我回到大家中来，可我怎么回去呢，找一份兼职工作，还是继续读书，还是自己做点事？主啊，你在哪里啊？你要我这样独自摇橹要到几时呢？我觉得好累，你什么时候来救我啊，你的女儿向你求助，你不帮助她吗？我求你为我指明一条路，可你只选择性地让我知道眼下的一些事而已，甚至我向你求的越甚，那答案似乎离我越远，主啊，求你光照我，亲近我，帮助我，不要向我隐藏！！

by Shane Barnard and Robbie Seay

He will allure her
He will pursue her
And call her out
To wilderness with flowers in His hand
She is responding
Beat up and hurting
Deserving death
But offerings of life are found instead

She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

Here in the valley
Walk close beside me
Don't look back
For love is growing vineyard's up ahead
You have called me master
And though you're in the dark here
Call me friend
And call me lover and marry me for good

She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

How the story ends is
Love and tenderness in Him
Not safe, but worth it
So the valley's up ahead
Or the ones we live
We'll sing together
We'll sing together

We will sing
We will sing
Oh, to You
We will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead us away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

Lord, sustain me in the valley. Give me ears to hear Your sweet tender voice and lead me in to acres of hope in this dry and weary land.
"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. In that day,declares the LORD,you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master. (Hosea 2:14-16)

    魔鬼依然很汹涌，他真的知道你的软肋，我对爱倔强的愤世嫉俗和不信任，很可能会破坏一段美好的关系，也伤害到别人。我的心战战兢兢，那种惧怕其实并不根植于现在的关系，而是由来已久没有被处理过的伤害。我知道自己的没有安全感，心里的惧怕，不信任爱，都需要时间处理，祈求神手下留情并非解决之道，出路则是靠着神，凭信心，勇敢地走出恐惧。求神帮助我成为智慧的女人，荣神益人的女人。求神成为我的安全感，给我智慧，教导我的心知道何为爱。虽然躺在床上，流泪，怨恨神没有怜悯，责怪神在我最需要他的时候不理我，可是我心里知道，神是要我勇敢走出来，可是我却缩在龟壳里自怜，埋怨他。直到听到Monkey发来的歌，才把我又带回神面前，被他安慰。感谢神赐给我这样宝贵的猴子！
Your Grace Is Sufficient

Your grace is sufficient for me
Your strength is made perfect
when I am weak
and all that I cling to
I lay at Your feet
Your grace is sufficient for me

Your grace is sufficient for me
Your strength is made perfect
when I am weak
and all that I cling to
I lay at Your feet
Your grace is sufficient for me

Your grace is sufficient for me
Your strength is made perfect
when I am weak
all that I cling to
I lay at Your feet
Your grace is sufficient
Your grace is sufficient
Your grace is sufficient for me

To see the Lord, the promise land
Wherein all sin's pearly gates look bland
And what was once a pearl, now sand
That blows away
That blows away
in light of Him

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong, a perfect plea:
A great High Priest, whose name is Love,
Who ever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on his hands,
My name is written on his heart;
I know that while in heaven he stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair,
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look, and see him there
Who made an end of all my sin.

Because a sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free;
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Praise the One,
Risen Son of God!

Behold him there, the risen Lamb
My perfect, spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I am,
The King of glory and of grace!

One in himself, I cannot die
My soul is purchased by his blood
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ, my Savior and my God
With Christ, my Savior and my God

Lord, I come to U and pour out my heart before U. Here are my problems that I got into these days:
1.deny my own needs, afraid of speaking out my thoughts, try to be a pleaser to keep love, which is not the right way.
2.hard to trust love and insatiable need for love
3.choose to see what I want to see,refuse to see the holistic truth
4.tend to withhold form a relationship when there is challenge
5.tend to cut off from outside world and indulge myself in loneliness and self-pity
Lord, help me with my problems. I am still not quite sure of my worth in U so that I feel I am not worthy of love and could not stand tall in relationships. It is still difficult for me to trust U, Ur good will and Ur love so that I could not give myself to U and get totally satisfied in U and by U and tend to search for people's love and hold their heart tight to make myself feel loved. Lord, I need people's love and friendship but at the same time fears of hurt, rejection and disappointment prevent me from getting involved in a meaningful bond of love. Lord, I don't think I can change anything for the better so that I tend to give up hope and stop making efforts which in turn lead to self-fulfilling failures in relationships. Lord, the past experience appears to decide what I want to see or what I can see from the present relationship, but I ask U to renew my  mind so that I can be transformed in Ur way. Lord, there is no redeemer but U. Plz redeem me from the unhealthy bond of the past and the devil. Give me new hope in U, coz U came to restore all things. I want Ur power of restoring and Ur kingdom to come down on me. I want to taste Ur grace and power. I want to praise U for Ur wonders and works on me and make me Ur witness. In Jesus name, amen

    昨天下午在厨房做饭，接到房东电话，我的心就沉了下去，到现在也不愿接受搬家的事实。这个小屋子，花费了我多少的心血啊，一点一点，燕子衔泥一般慢慢布置起来的，所有的家具，还有家具的安排，花了好多的心思，真是舍不得！神啊，你知道我对这里的感情，你知道我付出的爱，还有这里的回忆，我一丁点都不想搬家，神啊，我不想搬家，一点都不想，你知道的，如果你也看为好，可不可以为我存留？神啊，我想知道你大事小事都看顾，也想知道你明白我的感受，也想知道你是愿意赐福、满足我、关心我的天父，神啊，愿你修正那些被扭曲了的我对你的认识，愿我面对面认识的恩慈和美好！愿我面对面看到你以笑脸对我！！让我可以真正成为你的孩子，向天父祈求，而不是怀着惧怕和不信的心。我愿我的心认你是天父，我愿意得享做你孩子的美福，求主释放一切我肉身的父亲带给我的伤害，以及修正对你有偏差的认识，求你补足我的父亲对我的亏欠，让我全然在你里面得满足。愿我的口呼求天父的时候，我的心也一同呼求你。神啊，让我知道你是什么样的一位天父！

    最开始听到要pull back时，特别接受不了，为什么要guard our hearts？我们不是都感觉很好吗？我的感情我做主啊！！可是，原来我们已被主救赎，我们的身心灵都不再属于自己了，乃是属于神，我对自己不再有主权，愿耶稣做我的主，主啊，我不要看到我手的工作，我要你在我生命中做工！！

    主啊，我要亲近你，还要亲近你，求你就近我，使我心里有亮光、智慧和力量，主啊，求你照着你的美意成全，我们都要单单仰望你，给我们敬畏的心，我们要看到你的工作，认识你的智慧和美善，我们要确知你的心意，我们不愿越过你。主啊，求你给猴子智慧，求你透过他来带领我们的关系，求主装备他做属灵的头，使他在你里面站立的稳，也恳求圣灵启示我、教导我如何做一个祷告的帮助者，也求主给我一颗顺服的心，信靠仰望主的心，求主继续清理孩子的心，带领孩子前面的路。主啊，愿你填饱孩子的空腹，愿你的爱甘甜孩子的心，求主继续施恩给孩子，向孩子仰脸！谢谢主，奉主名求，阿门

    一直以为只有真实的人，才能见证上帝，可是人其实很难有勇气面对真实的自己，所以我的博客总是时断时续，其实越是中断的部分，越值得花时间探索。最近更新很少，不仅仅是因为其中的故事牵涉到另一个人，也是因为无法正视自己的忘恩、软弱和顽梗，更是因为自己对上帝的不信，不再向他坦露心声，隐瞒自己的不信、困惑、挣扎。当我渐渐疏忽了祷告，当一想到他的旨意心中居然产生了隐隐的不快时，当我靠着他开头却想要越过他自己成就时，我就已经渐渐远离了神，把他抛在脑后了。
    感谢神不任由我犯罪，偏行己路，奔向败坏，得罪神得罪人；感谢神保守带领我们的关系；感谢神把我从灵性的昏昧中唤醒。神啊，求你使我可以向你坦陈心迹，使我可以以一颗坦然无惧的心就近你，神啊，为什么我的心那么的迟钝，那么难以相信你，相信你的爱？主啊，为什么你为我做了这么多，我还是对你不放心，为什么你那么爱我，我还是会一次又一次地拒绝相信你的爱？主啊，照着知识我知道你爱我，不是因为我所做所有的，而是因为你爱我U love who I am not what I do or what I have，照着知识我知道，你赦免我一切的过犯，你是恩慈的神，乐于赐福，可是神啊，我愿意这些头脑里面的知识变成我心里的确信和力量。我的心多么渴想得见神以笑脸对我，我的心多么渴望神你亲自对我说你要赐福给我，你要把天上的福气倾倒在我身上，我多么想确知你为我存留了美好的祝福！主啊，我愿意相信爱，求你帮助我争战，求你对我的心说话，求你使我靠着真理的圣灵，得胜谎言、得胜撒旦，也求主给我一颗敬畏的心，凡事都求问你，也在你的里面站立的稳，靠着你做刚强的人，主啊，你是我永远的依靠和盼望，坚固的磐石，主啊，不要让我再去寻求其他的指望，不要让我仰望假神，让我凡事尊主为大，不要让我忘记你的恩惠和所行的奇事，给我一颗爱你的心，主啊，求你怜悯我，照着我的愚昧、软弱和迟钝，你来帮助我，求你对我的心说话，主啊，我远离了你的日子，我的心我的灵昏昧黑暗的日子，求你搭救我，不要撇下我，使我回转归向你，求你安慰我，照亮我，复兴我，愿我行在主为我所定的旨意中，愿主的旨意成就在我身上，主啊，让我真知道你是我的神，我的父！愿我真正得享神孩子的自由和福气！愿你把你的爱和真理铭刻在我的心版上，愿你帮助我成就你对我生命的旨意！奉主名求，阿门！

不知从何时起，祷告开始变得冷淡，也不再有灵里的争战。自己又不知不觉把神抛在脑后，仿佛没有灵性的存在一样。我真是忘恩，若不是圣灵提醒，不知还要沉睡到什么时候。真是不能靠着自己夸口，神那样爱我、拯救我，可我转眼就忘，仍然硬着颈项，重蹈覆辙，我对自己真是无语了，若不是神怜悯我，我又要奔着以前的路走到天黑了......感谢神不放弃我，不任由我犯罪，得罪人也得罪神，在我昏昧的时候总是提醒我，把我喊醒。主啊，愿你的旨意成就，不要按我的意思来，因为你的安排最好，求主赦免我任意妄为的罪，也求主复兴我的灵性，恢复我和你之间的关系，也求主给我一颗警醒祷告的心，求主继续光照我的心，医治我的心，使我尊主为大，照着主当得的荣耀荣耀你，也真的愿意在这一路上都经历你、见证你、认识你，也求主使我接受圣灵的督责，求主赐给我信心和智慧，使我成为一个合主心意的女人，一个帮助者，建造者，主啊，求你拿去我里面不合你心意的东西，也求主继续洁净被罪被伤害玷污的地方，求主夺回被撒旦占领的地方，愿主洁净、更新、祝福，求主继续清理我、光照我、医治我，赐给我智慧和敬畏的心！！

In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For every sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

很多时候，我们自以为比别人优越，足以教导，但是事实上，我们都是人，时而清醒，时而糊涂，时而刚强，时而软弱，所以神要我们在一起彼此学习，彼此担待，彼此相爱。感谢神赐给我的朋友们，你们都是我生命中的礼物！！
我现在真知道有神在带领我们的关系，带领每一个人，每一件事！！万事互相效力，叫爱神的人得益处！！谢谢神向我们显示他自己的美善和智慧。婷婷今天做了决志祷告，我特别的感恩，在这件事上，也很受教。愿神带领她，给她盼望和新的生命！！
God wants us to help each other grow in Him.
Do you love the person or do you love having the person? That's different.